How to drive young people away from church

Churches today are losing young people like never before. This is obviously a very positive trend, which needs to be sustained for as long as possible. Young people are noisy, and far too full of energy and enthusiasm. They speak their mind, play loud music and keep wanting to change things. As far as possible, it is better to keep them right away. Here are a few tips for doing just that.

1. Never change anything.

Your church has been the same for tens, maybe hundreds of years. Young people are a threat to that. If you give them an inch they will take a mile, so don’t allow the slightest change. If possible, hedge everything around with layers of bureaucracy, like deacons, committees and church meetings, to make sure change is virtually impossible.

2. Turn down the PA.

Young people like to feel music, not just hear it. They also worry what other people think of them, and after years of exposure to programs like The X Factor, they may be paranoid about what they sound like. So the last thing they want is for their own singing to be heard. Turn down the PA until it’s barely audible and the band is dominated by the congregation. That will alienate young people culturally, and make it almost impossible for them to join in.

3. Don’t give them responsibility.

Young people are full of ideas and they love to take ownership and responsibility - to feel they matter, and to try out new things. Deny them that opportunity. Keep children and teenagers out of leadership teams, and exclude them from the decision-making process. Recruit them as helpers if you must, but make it clear that their role is to implement what the adults have decided - not to influence or innovate. If any young people show signs of wanting responsibility, explain to them very clearly why they are not ready for it.

4. Treat them inappropriately.

You may be aware that they are growing up, but on no account let them know you noticed. Talk down to them, or just talk stuff they don’t understand. Patronise them in every possible way. Mother the boys and wind up girls. Do everything you can to make them feel uncomfortable, out of place and misunderstood.

5. Exclude them.

Talk to young people as little as possible, and on no account show any interest in their lives. Keep yourself ignorant of popular music, reality TV and soaps, football, school and education, sex, drugs and the lives of celebrities. That way you will have no common ground with them. In conversation, sandwich them between two adults and talk grown-up stuff literally over the tops of their heads (if they are still short enough). They will soon go away.

6. Deny their spirituality.

In the Indonesian revival of the 1970s, children did everything the adults did. They experienced dreams and visions, prophesied, healed the sick and performed miracles. This obviously made them very enthusiastic about their faith - so you must prevent anything of this sort from happening. Don't let young people pray for the sick, or get involved in any kind of ministry. If they see visions or prophesy, don’t believe them. Do your best to explain that they are far too young.

7. Major on verbal communication.

Research has shown that only 20-30% of the adult population learn best by listening, and among children, the figure is less that 10%. So forget about preaching that is prophetic or inspirational, and forget about other methods of communication. Focus exclusively on teaching, and do it verbally. That way you will exclude not only your young people, but also the most creative and energetic adults, who are the ones the teenagers relate best to.

8. Put down their interests.

Young people have to be shown that the music they listen to, the programs they watch, the games they play and the people they look up to are all basically rubbish. Take every opportunity to tell them, and constantly make unfavourable comparisons with the things that you enjoy and appreciate. The idea is that by devaluing the things they value, you devalue them. This will help make them go away.

9. Stereotype them.

All young people are basically dishonest, disrespectful, binge-drinking louts and vandals. Make sure they know that you know. Don’t be deceived by acts of honesty, kindness, helpfulness or other positive attributes, which are nothing but a veneer of respectability. They will revert to type the minute your back is turned, so don’t trust them an inch. Let them know that you have your eye on them, and they will be in trouble the minute they step out of line.

10. Marginalise their culture.

Make it clear that everything they love and everything they do – be it music, dance, drama or whatever – is OK in the youth group or Sunday School, but has no place in real church. You may want to hold an occasional youth service, family service or young people’s event, mainly to placate their parents. But apart from that, be sure to keep them in their place. You must let them know, without actually saying it, that to feel at home in church they must adjust to adult worship, music, preaching and everything else; and that this probably won’t happen until they are at least in their forties.

If you consistently apply all these principles, you will find that your church will empty of young people fairly quickly.